rant

This is gonna be a freaking rant so brace yourselves peeps, Amelia is gonna set off her fucking big mouth now. Seriously. I really don't understand what's it with me and poly life man. Or maybe tp just plain hates me. I don't know. I'm so sick of expecting anything good to come out of poly life already.

Friends? Ha. Don't be a joke man. We're just hanging out with each other for survival reasons. I don't share much stuff with you, and you too to me. We're fucking stuck with each other cause we'll have no one if we separate. Or do we? I wanna split so badly right now. I rather be alone. The whole world can burn for all I care.

Yes, an emo entry again, I know. I'm just pekcek okay? Really pekcek. I don't have trust issues at all but this stupid school is making me turn into some bitter old woman who whines and complains about her stupid life when her life ain't that bad at all. I miss Carity. I miss those times when it was just me and her. I looked forward to school then, but now, not anymore.

I kinda miss my secondary school friends too, but it's an on off thing. Sometimes I miss them. Sometimes I wish we could hang out forever and ever. Sometimes I just wish we'll lose all contact, cause sometimes it's just easier that way. I won't have to experience real friendship then get thrown into that hell and bitch of a school.

I don't trust anyone there and it's starting to get into me. All the hypocrisy, all the politics, all the damn annoying bitches and selfish fucks in the school. I really can't stand them sometimes. It makes me feel disgusted that I'm breathing in the same air as them. I wanna puke so badly and that's saying something cause I normally hate puking a lot. That just shows how disgusting they are.

Poly's like the survival of the damn foetus and it's a battle I'm losing and I know it. I'm just so SICK and TIRED of pretending that I like something or I give a fuck about something when the truth is, I really don't. I don't have real friends to speak of in that hell hole and even if I have one, she doesn't understand me at all. Our friendship feels stagnant sometimes. Still as fuck.

It's not that I don't care about her either. It's just that I'm tired of getting hurt. Tired of getting my hopes up then have it ruined by one sentence that she says that she doesn't even realise. I'm sorry. I really had enough. I'm not gonna place my trust in someone just to get it broken over time and time again. NO matter how much I miss the past. I'm sorry. It's over.

I'm tired.

Sick of this shit. If we're friends we should stick together no matter what don't we? We should be able to read each others' thoughts right? Maybe not all the time, but maybe sometimes? Yet, we don't. I can't read yours, and you can't read mine. It's not even your fault anymore. It's mine. Mine for not wanting to try. Mine for giving up. Mine.

It's days like this that I'm so grossed out by the entire world I really don't feel like talking to anyone at all. No humans. No animals. Nothing. I know. Michelle's mad at me when I say such negative thoughts, when I don't think positively. She doesn't say it but sometimes I think she's worried that I'll cut again or something like that. She's wrong though. I'll never cut again. I'm determined regarding that.

How ironic that my happy entries never last long. Fucking hilarious actually. Damn it. Is it really too much to ask for sometimes? Am I expecting too much? Am I being so fucking judgmental? Maybe so. Maybe it's just me. Maybe.

I just don't want to bother anymore.

Plan for holidays? Be alone. Explore places alone. Spend all the time I have besides working to be alone. Because no one can really disappoint you unless you let them in, so the best solution is NOT to let anyone in ever again. I rather be like a wounded dog and hide in one corner to lick my wounds than to have my wounds reopened again and again with an extra pinch of salt sprinkled on them. I'm sorry. I had enough.

I'm done.