FOR YILIAN

I'm gonna be blogging! Yay! :D So yes, hi peeps. ALOHA~ Today is Tingwei's birthday so let's wish her a happy happy birthday okay? :) And also to Yilian whose birthday is on 4 June.. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! :D

Now, I'm gonna dedicate this whole blog post to Yilian cause I'm practically talking to Tingwei everyday and also because I feel like there are some issues that SHOULD be addressed between me and Yilian. Our stagnant friendship for starters.

*sighs* Stagnant friendship. So many of my friendships are at that stage these days huh? Nelli's, Sheryl's and last but not least, Yilian's. Today when I was talking with Yilian and Shimin at Shimin's house downstairs, I really meant what I said. I really do wish I have trust issues sometimes, because it really hurts when your trust in someone is being broken again and again and the weird part about you is that you really never do seem to learn and you just as easily place your trust out there again without any hesitation cause you're a blundering idiot. The only way I can see that I can protect myself in is pushing people away, and that's what I'm doing now: Pushing close friends away.

Shimin's beginning to feel the sting. I believe Sien's feeling it as well. 9 out of 10 times if you ask me out, most likely all you will receive is just an answer of rejection. No explanation. No reason. Nothing. Cause I'm just becoming that hopeless already.

Anyway, back to my friendship with Yilian.. I guess I really just lost hope along the way? I stopped expecting, cause expectations will just lead to disappointments, and disappointments to sorrow. I really don't want anymore unhappiness in my life so Yilian was just filed away in my heart, never to see the light again.

I don't know why her 17th birthday is so special though. It's like I tell myself I don't care about her but deep down, my actions show me otherwise. I still do care about her. I still am concerned over her well being, her deep thoughts, her mental state, her stress levels.. Everything. I still care. I guess I should just stop lying to myself regarding that.

Today, Shimin was just saying that it's perhaps because Yilian doesn't know how to phrase her words right. Yes it might be true. I mean she does initiates talks these days. I'm the one who give her the cold replies now. How immature of me. -.- I need to grow up man HAHA.

Ha. I'm just tired of getting hurt already okay? Yilian, if we talk again promise you won't do whatever you did back then. I don't know what I'll do already sometimes. I just wanna let all stagnant friendships be stagnant but I can see that this stagnant stage is obviously hurting the both of us, especially when we're in the same clique.

It's kinda difficult sometimes, to put your heart out there, to tell yourself you ain't gonna get hurt again. It downright sucks sometimes, but now that I think about it, since when have I let anything like this stop me? I'm always rushing into things, feeling before seeing, believing before witnessing. I can be real dumb sometimes. Someone tell me to stop trusting people okay? :) I need more barriers.

(Like that is ever gonna happen.)

I'm quite confident though. Right now the only friendship I wanna fix is Yillian's and mine. Take one step at a time huh? After Yilian's I might consider Sheryl's one then finally Nelli's.. Nelli's gonna be last, simply because it happened recently and I need more time to forget, that's all. Well, I'll just have to see how life goes..

And to Yilian:

To make up for the crapping birthday message scribble I wrote down because I was in a rush, I guess all I really want to say is this. Your inability to open up, your inability to share some of your deepest thoughts with me, yes, though they do bother me sometimes, that's not the MAIN thing that's bothering me. Communication is vital to me. If I say I don't miss talking to you that's gonna be a lie cause I do miss it. I miss sharing my dreams with you, my utmost thoughts, my deepest feelings, my resolutions, my ambitions.. Everything. Perhaps I may seem like a little tad cold when we talk about our friendship but that's because I need that barrier to keep away all that hurt that I don't know have been festering since God knows when. I think it's time I finally let go though, so for this once, I'm gonna start trying to. Maybe we'll be back to close friends, maybe we'll not be. Time will tell. As long as I've worked for this friendship and you too, then we both did our best didn't we? :)

Love. Friendship.

They're just that simple. ;)

Happy birthday, Tingwei and Yilian. Hope you still had/have an enjoyable birthday! ^^