wheelie tired

So tired today. I don't even know why. All my entries all seem to be complaining of my fatigue these days but I can't even be bothered to change it. Really can't. My thoughts are all jumbled up and my mind's really kinda "repairing" now cause it's broken due to my tiredness and yes I'm complaining I'm tired again.

It's cause I really am.

Tired of people. Tired of talking. Tired of feeling afraid. Tired to embrace change. It's weird, really. Church has been improving by leaps and bounds. I actually talk to people now. I'm not the 'wallflower' now. I'm learning to socialise, learning to trust bit by bit...

You know what? From now on, I'm gonna cut all my friends some slack; those with trust issues I mean. It's really tiring to keep battling against yourself to trust people and let them in you know? Never knew it was this hard until I'm fighting my own instincts to open my heart up instead of shutting it down behind thorns and thorns of walls.

I wish I was Maleficent. Her walls look so strong. Well, at least it was until that stupid king came in and destroy everything. Stupid king. I hate him. He's the cause of the conflict in Maleficent. Is being a king really so damn important to him? Did he not love Maleficent enough to not involve her in his fucked up scheme? Sheesh. I despise him from the bottom of my heart.

Oh gosh. Why am I talking about Maleficent when I'm supposed to be talking about myself. Gosh. What's wrong with me? This is MY blog not a movie review on Maleficent urgh. Stupid dumb shite.

Sighs. Brain, just stop crashing okay? I really need you to hang with me here. Don't give up on me. Heart too. Stop building stupid walls that surround you. You're not that fragile, come on. We've been through three rejections. We'll live. 

By the way, I'm not upset about Justin's rejection. Okay. I am a tad upset but it's not really my priority right now cause I'm too busy being upset about other stuff, namely my lack of effort in pushing for better familial relations and my failing attempts at social interaction. Yes, that's it. I'm too focused on myself to bother about Justin at this point. I'm horribly selfish. Whatever. I don't even care anymore.

It just feels weird you know? The fact that my life is changing scares me. I won't lie. I'm afraid we'll all drift apart. I'm meeting Yilian and Nelli weekly for piano lessons but even so, I don't get to speak to Yilian much. I get to spend time with Michelle easily so that's a comfort. Shimin is in freaking Newcastle so no comment there. Tingwei's really... I don't know. We're talking and stuff but we've not met each other in so long I don't even know man... As for Sien, well, at least I'm dangling the cow keychain she gave me on my bag. The cow sort of substitutes for her when I miss her. Omg. Now I sound horrible. I'm comparing her to a cow. *facepalm*

But you get my point right? I still meet Elsie for weekly jogs so that's really cool cause meeting Elsie is always absolute fun and ridicule but it makes my day so much better and ends it on a perfect note. I really love my friends, just saying. They all bring out weird sides in me and that makes them so awesome. Really love that I can just share with them anything under the sun. Never thought I'll have friends so it's cool that I have some. Really cool.
..
Of course, there are other friends too. Just because your name isn't mentioned here doesn't mean I don't love you as much. I was super touched the other day when Carity contacted me out of the blue. I was grinning from ear to ear. Carity, you have no idea how happy you made me with your simple whatsapp message. No idea at all.

I guess in this modern day society, it's so easy to get left behind that people start to be insecure about their presence in others' lives. You know that feeling of being insignificant and invisible...? Yeah, that's what I am referring to. I feel that most of the time. I don't even know why. Stupid brain I guess. No intelligence at all. *sighs*

I'm just so tired I'm ready to crash but there's stupid research and yes, I am stressed. Stressed cause my experiment isn't showing results. Stressed cause I've been late for internship twice and I really don't wanna repeat internship again. Stressed because everything seems to be falling apart. I'll take a step forward and take two steps back. The progress of healing is so slow I feel so pissed at myself sometimes. Yes I know I'm not making any form of sense now. That's not the point. The point is, I'm tired and I still have to do research. THAT IS MY POINT.

Internship is gonna kill me.

Major project will revive me, then kill me again.

Death is coming. YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO~~~~

:]